Needs and Wants

Why do we get into relationships?

It seems like it *should* be an easy question, but it's not. It's a vast whirlpool of conflicting ideas, ideals, and realities, one that can drag us down and crush us under the pressure.

I know part of the answer. Many times (most times?) we get into a relationship with someone because of something they have that we need, or something we have that they need (or sometimes both). I don't necessarily mean material goods - though that obviously happens. No, mostly, it's about psychological needs.

Like, one friend I have doesn't feel like he has any personal worth unless he's loved - and that's what he needs from his relationship, an affirmation of self-worth (if that even makes sense). Another needs a stabilizing force, and in return he provides an element of fun or pleasure. Some people need someone who is stronger, or someone to take care of, or someone to simply be there so they don't feel alone at night.

If I had to guess, I'd say 90% of all relationships fall into this category. That doesn't mean they're bad, mind you - sometimes, that kind of shared need is enough. Sometimes, it's not, and the relationship ends relatively quickly.

I have to think, though, that there's something else out there - some relationship that doesn't include these kinds of needs, where there's no psychological game to play or role to assume. Where you're with someone simply because you enjoy them, and they enjoy you. Maybe that's my own need - a need for there to not be needs - but I think that's getting a little solipsistic.

I think that's why I'm not in a relationship, and why I date so rarely. I usually state it as "I can't date anyone I have to fix", but maybe it's better stated that "I can't date anyone I have to fulfill". Oh, I can be a provider - of stability, of amusement, of strength, of weakness, even of love - but I don't want a relationship to be based on those being *necessary* for personal well-being. I want to date someone who is stable, and comfortable, and secure, and happy, with or without me.

I think I'd rather be wanted but not needed.  Others can make their own choices.